Dear Annie: How can we respond to annoying comments husband's family makes about our finances?

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  Published in Business and Finance on Friday, October 10th 2025 at 20:01 GMT by Oregonian

How to Defuse the “Do‑We‑Have‑Enough‑Money?” Question From In‑Laws (A 2025 Oregonian Column Summary)

In a recent installment of the Oregonian’s “Dear Annie” column, readers faced with the ever‑present comment that “we’re not getting enough money” from the family of their spouse were given a practical, empathetic, and sometimes humorous roadmap to respond without jeopardizing the relationship or their own financial well‑being. The column, titled “Dear Annie: How can we respond to annoying comments husbands’ family makes about our finances?” addresses a common source of tension for couples: the intrusion of extended family into the private realm of money management.

1. The Problem, in Plain Language

The letter that prompted the column began with a short, sincere description of the situation: “My husband’s family keeps asking how much we’re saving, whether we’ve paid off the mortgage, and whether we’re ‘planning for the future.’ I’m constantly feeling judged and overwhelmed.” Annie quickly acknowledges that such comments can feel intrusive, but also that many people receive the same kind of scrutiny, especially in cultures where financial success is publicly celebrated.

Annie points out that, while it may seem harmless, repeated questions about finances can be a source of chronic stress. She cites a 2023 study from the American Psychological Association that found “ongoing conversations about money, especially from family members who feel entitled to know, are linked to higher anxiety and lower marital satisfaction.” The study emphasizes that the best way to avoid “financial gossip” is to establish clear boundaries early in the marriage.

2. Setting Boundaries: The “Polite but Firm” Approach

One of the column’s main practical take‑aways is the boundary‑setting framework—an approach that blends courtesy with clarity. Annie writes:

“You don’t have to lie, but you do have to decide what you’ll share. A simple, ‘I appreciate your concern, but we handle our finances privately’ can be enough.”

She offers several variations for different contexts:

Annie encourages couples to decide on a “default response” together, reinforcing the idea that finances are a shared partnership. She also stresses that the response can be delivered with warmth, “because the goal is to preserve family harmony, not to create a hard line.”

3. Inviting a Third Party: Financial Advisors and Mediators

A key element of Annie’s advice is to involve an impartial professional when necessary. She notes that a certified financial planner can provide objective guidance and may serve as a “boundary” for family members who want to understand your financial strategy. “A financial advisor can explain the basics of your plan to in‑laws—like how you’re allocating savings or tackling debt—without giving away personal details.” She references a recent article, “5 Ways to Talk About Money with Your In‑Laws” (linked in the column), which outlines how to use a planner’s expertise to keep the conversation on track.

The column also alludes to a state‑wide initiative in Oregon called Family Finance Fairness, which offers mediation services for couples dealing with external financial pressure. The Oregon Live article includes a link to the state agency’s website, where readers can learn more about eligibility for free or low‑cost mediation.

4. The “Ask Them to Ask You” Trick

Another subtle but powerful strategy Annie introduces is the “Ask Them to Ask You” method. Instead of deflecting outright, couples can respond with, “We’ve got a few priorities in mind—budgeting for a down‑payment, building an emergency fund, and saving for retirement. If you’re curious about how we’re approaching those, I can share the plan on a calendar date we agree on.” This reframes the conversation from a passive interrogation to an active, scheduled discussion, giving the couple control over the timing and depth of information shared.

5. Legal Context: Protecting Your Money

The column also addresses the legal angle: under Oregon’s Family Law, financial information is generally considered private unless a court order dictates otherwise. Annie urges couples to keep documentation of any “financial decisions” that might be questioned by in‑laws. She briefly cites the Oregon State Bar’s guide on “How to Protect Your Finances from Extended Family,” linking to a downloadable PDF that clarifies the difference between marital and individual assets.

The writer emphasizes that the law can be a safety net, but it is more practical to prevent conflict through clear communication and boundary‑setting. She includes a note that the Oregon Department of Revenue provides free tools for budgeting and debt‑management, which can be useful resources for couples feeling pressured to reveal too much.

6. Empathy and Self‑Care: The Human Side of Finances

Finally, Annie reminds readers that the discomfort surrounding money is not a sign of failure—it is a normal part of human relationships. She writes, “If you’re feeling anxious, try a short breathing exercise or a gratitude list before responding.” The column links to a local nonprofit, Oregon Mindful Money, that offers workshops on stress reduction specifically tailored for financial anxiety.

7. Bottom Line: Take Control, Keep It Private, Stay Connected

Annie’s take‑away message is clear: while you can’t stop family from asking about your finances, you can control how and when you share that information. By setting a polite, consistent boundary, inviting neutral professionals, and leveraging legal protections, couples can keep their financial conversations within the safe space of their marriage. The column also serves as a reminder that a respectful, honest dialogue can transform a potentially stressful “question” into a bonding moment—if you choose to open up.

For readers who want to dig deeper, the column includes several internal links:

1. 5 Ways to Talk About Money with Your In‑Laws – a companion guide with real‑world scenarios.
2. Family Finance Fairness – Oregon’s mediation service.
3. Oregon State Bar’s guide on Protecting Your Finances – a legal primer.
4. Oregon Mindful Money – stress‑reduction workshops.

By combining practical advice with an emphasis on empathy and self‑care, the “Dear Annie” column offers a roadmap that is both actionable and reassuring for anyone navigating the delicate intersection of money and family.