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Dear Abby: How do I tell mom our finances are private?

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  Published in Business and Finance on Sunday, August 31st 2025 at 9:09 GMT by MassLive
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How to Tell Mom That Your Finances Are Private: A Dear Abby Guide

When a young adult reaches out to Dear Abby for advice on how to tell their mother that “our finances are private,” the answer is never simple. In the August 2025 column, Abigail Van Buren—better known as Dear Abby—delivers a thoughtful, pragmatic response that balances respect for a parent’s love and concern with the right to protect one’s financial autonomy. The piece is a concise yet comprehensive primer that covers the psychological dynamics at play, practical communication tactics, and the broader cultural context of money‑talk between generations.

The Core Problem

The letter that inspired the column—signed “Auntie K” (the writer used a pseudonym)—is a typical scenario: a 27‑year‑old daughter, who has just moved out and started a steady job, is frustrated by her mother’s repeated questions about her bank balances, credit card debt, and investment accounts. Mom insists, “I just want to make sure you’re not screwing up, sweetheart.” The daughter, however, feels her financial decisions are personal and doesn’t want to feel micromanaged.

Abigail starts by acknowledging the mother’s intent. “Mothers, especially in our culture, often feel a protective instinct that translates into a need to know about every aspect of their children’s lives,” she writes. “The key is to differentiate caring from overreach.” By framing the conversation in terms of the mother’s love rather than an accusation, the daughter can avoid triggering defensiveness.

Setting Boundaries: The “I” Statement Framework

One of the main strategies suggested is the use of “I” statements—a communication method that expresses one’s own feelings without blaming the other. Abby suggests something along the lines of:

“Mom, I appreciate that you’re looking out for me, but I feel more comfortable keeping the details of my finances private. It helps me feel more independent and responsible.”

By putting the focus on her own comfort and responsibility, the daughter shows respect for the mother’s feelings while asserting a boundary. The column notes that the phrase “I feel” and “I want” can be powerful tools for preserving autonomy without sounding accusatory.

Practical Conversation Tips

Abigail also offers a short, realistic script that the daughter can use when the mother brings up the topic again:

1. Acknowledge: “I understand why you’re concerned, Mom.”
2. State the boundary: “I’ve decided to handle my finances on my own.”
3. Offer reassurance: “I’m financially stable; my savings and investments are growing.”
4. Redirect: “Let’s talk about your upcoming vacation instead.”

She cautions that the conversation may need to happen more than once. “Boundaries become clearer with repetition,” she writes, citing a psychology source that underscores the importance of consistency in boundary-setting.

When to Involve a Third Party

A noteworthy detail in the column is Abby’s suggestion that the daughter could invite a neutral third party—such as a trusted family friend or a financial advisor—to mediate a conversation. She explains that this can provide a “safe space” for both parties to voice concerns without feeling judged. The article links to an external resource on how to choose a financial advisor, drawing from a reputable financial-planning guide. This approach also helps to reassure the mother that her child is not ignoring her concern but is simply taking control of their own finances.

Cultural Context and Generational Expectations

Abigail weaves a broader context into her answer. In many households, especially in immigrant or close‑knit communities, there is an expectation that children will share all aspects of their lives. She notes that “our culture often equates open sharing with trust,” while acknowledging that “trust can also be demonstrated through responsible action, not just disclosure.” The column references a recent article from The Balance titled “Setting Healthy Boundaries With Family About Money,” which delves into the psychological benefits of maintaining financial privacy.

The Follow‑Up: When Things Go Wrong

The article ends with a brief “What if Mom reacts angrily?” section. Abby advises staying calm, reiterating the boundary, and reminding Mom of past conversations. She suggests a backup plan: “If she’s still upset, tell her that you will bring up the issue again next month and that this will be your last conversation on the topic.” This creates a deadline that can help both parties process the new arrangement.

Practical Resources

At the bottom of the column, the article includes hyperlinks to a handful of external resources for readers who want to dive deeper:

• The Balance – “Setting Boundaries With Family About Money” – an in‑depth guide on financial privacy and boundary setting.
• Investopedia – “Financial Literacy and the Role of Parents” – an overview of how parental attitudes can affect financial independence.
• The National Association of Personal Financial Advisors – a directory to help readers find a professional advisor who can support them in conversations with family.

Takeaway

The Dear Abby piece is more than just a recipe for telling a mother to shut up. It’s a nuanced exploration of autonomy, family dynamics, and the emotional labor that comes with balancing independence and love. By acknowledging the mother’s perspective, using assertive “I” statements, inviting a third party if necessary, and maintaining consistency, the daughter can carve out the space she needs to manage her own financial future. The column reminds us that boundaries, once set, are not a source of conflict but a foundation for healthier relationships.